Being an ambitious person, I commit to absorbing and learning well the things that I apply myself to. I had a certain love for God growing up in church since young, but my relationship with Him never really grew beyond head knowledge. And so I diligently sought Him out when I joined the campus ministries of Singapore Youth for Christ (SYFC) and later Navigators (Nav) in my secondary and poly days.
Not a Good Disciple
As I progressed, I became more self-aware and I knew I was not the best disciple to have around. Having been mentored by Nav in Singapore Polytechnic (SP) as a student, I was not entirely motivated to always have my morning devotionals with the fellowship, nor summarise chunks of Bible passages for our weekly study. I showed up half an hour late at times to meet my mentor (my excuse was I’m not a morning person). Nonetheless it was the intentional one-to-one personal time and spiritual disciplines we did together that helped secure my foundations in the Rock, deepening my faith in God.
Not a Bible Scholar
For years, observing how the lifestyles and structured schedules of the campus NavStaff revolved around the Word, how they ministered and paid so much attention to each person they met, it was admirable but tiring to attempt. With a full-time admin job in SP, I got to mentor 3 girls I brought to Christ over 5 years. It was a fulfilling time of spiritual growth and personal development as I endeavoured to turn up on time for my meetings with the young believers.
However, amongst my peers who could dissect the Word more eloquently than I could, I realised I couldn't teach as intelligently as my university friends. I had a knack to facilitate Bible study in groups instead, pushing the main burden of discerning Scripture to the more book-smart girls. This way, I learnt from their perspectives, rather than enforced my own understanding. It was still clear my hermeneutic abilities were not as sharp though.
I eventually met my match in a student who was consistent in one thing every time we met - being half an hour late. When Covid hit and we transitioned to Bible study via video conferencing, I was thankful for the change as there would be no excuse for her tuning in late from then. Boy, was I wrong. For every week the whole of 2020, she regularly logged on half an hour after my co-leader and I came into Zoom at the predetermined time. It took a lot for me not to blow my gasket through a janky internet connection; I can imagine my face frozen and my words lagging midway of my unhappy lecture, reminding her to respect our time and to be early. The lack of eye contact and no apology usually meant the study was not her focus, for now. Hopefully, like me, she will gradually catch the Great Commission, embrace it as her own and appreciate the times when some persistently naggy lady insisted on regular study of the Word (and punctuality).
Not a Spiritual Giant
Additionally, I’m not going to be a spiritual giant either, and I think that’s fine. I’d read of men and women who gave their lives or suffered immensely to obey God – whether as missionaries or laymen. Those spiritual forefathers are more famously mentioned in Hebrews 11, and there have been many others since then: Hudson Taylor, Jim Elliot and his team, Corrie ten Boom, Richard Wurmbrand, etc (I’d cry at the extent of their faith in God in the midst of horrifying circumstances). Those are some big shoes to fill; I can’t even get to the office without my Subway sandwich and daily supplements. Chinese laywomen took to Wuhan’s streets to preach the gospel in the midst of Covid lockdown, while my introverted personality rejoiced to work from home.
Though I had my fair share talking to 100 strangers on campus about Jesus when I worked in SP, the work of a minister is unique and to do so full-time takes a special kind of person. It is heart work since it’s about establishing relationships. This spiritual training to pass on what one learns so the next person can do the same too (2 Tim 2:2) is God’s call for all of us to be labourers in His harvest field (Matt 9:36). Whether full-time, part-time or anytime, obedience is needful in carrying out God’s Great Commission wherever we are.
I am Still God's
I admit I don’t have much capacity for the lost and the Great Commission, and so all the more I leave room for the Great Commandment – to love God with all my heart, mind and soul and to love my neighbour as myself (Luke 10:27). I need to be filled in my love tank by God so that the outpouring expression of love comes from Him, overflowing to the lost who need it.
But this exercise of figuring out who I am not helps me to come to the end of myself. It is then that one can start to see Christ more clearly. I must become less, he must become more (John 3:30). And I hope more and more that others I reach out to can see Christ better in me.
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